In honor of me being mostly recovered I decided to post something. In September I weighed about 137, I hated my legs and I wanted them to be skinnier. I wanted to lose weight and be classified as a “skinny girl” not a muscular girl. I knew that if I starved my body it would eat at my muscle and I would have skinny legs. I dropped pounds kind of slowly at first and then in about two weeks i dropped about four pounds. In october, I weighed about 128 and then in November I got to about 122-120. On December 26, weighing 116 pounds and being 5’8”, I was admitted to the children’s hospital of Philadelphia. The girl on the left would lie to her parents, friends, sister, & teachers about eating. She would eat nothing all day then go play basketball for two hours or play an entire game. The girl on the left would go out of her way and get something for the teacher because she knew it burned more calories than sitting there. She new if you stand for an hour you burn 80 more calories than you would burn if you were sitting. The girl on the left would go through countless packs of gum & water just so she wouldn’t eat. She would purposely not eat for an hour after exercising because she knew she burned more calories that way. The girl on the left would hide her body in layers of baggy clothes so no one could see how skinny she had gotten. She would eat a bite of a cookie then have to workout because she thought it would make her fat. The girl on the left was quiet and was always thinking about food and calories. The girl on the left hated food & hated talking about food. The girl on the left ignored her family and friends concerns for her, she would get angry at her parents for making her eat and she would hate talking about how much weight shes lost. The girl on the left would constantly argue with her parents and make her mom upset. The girl on the left went to target with her friend and while her friend bought ice cream and food, she rejected the offer. The girl on the left would go to starbucks and order a skinny peppermint mocha cause she didnt want the extra calories. The girl on the left would go to dunkin donuts and get splenda and skim milk in her coffee cause she didnt want the extra calories. The girl on the left wouldnt pick her guitar up or play the piano, and for someone who loves music as much as I do, that says a lot. The girl on the left would look in the mirror and see fat, which she was very far from. The girl on the left couldn’t even sit on a plastic chair, or any chair, without being uncomfortable because her tailbone, spine, and shoulder blades would hit the chair and hurt her. The girl on the left couldn’t even lay on her stomach or on her back in bed because her hipbones, ribs, and tail bone would stick out and it would hurt. The girl on the left was a walking skeleton. She had a sharp collar bone and sharp shoulders that stuck out along with her ribs, tailbone, cheekbones, knee caps, tendons, spine, and hipbones. The girl on the left was as pale as a ghost with bags under her eyes. The girl on the left was beginning to become scared of 85 calories. The girl on the left had to stop playing basketball, the sport she loves, because they were afraid she was gonna pass out on the court. The girl on the left would wake up in the middle of the night and cry because she could feel her body eating away at her muscles. The girl on the left had a resting heart rate of 36, 11 beats away from going into cardiac arrest. The girl on the left was slowly dying. Now, let me tell you something. The girl on the right & the girl on the left are completely different people. The girl on the right is no longer quiet or tired. She jokes around, sings obnoxiously, & is always smiling. The girl on the right eats a ton of food every single day. She no longer makes her mom or family upset. The girl on the right has a future. She’s going to have kids and get married someday. The girl on the right can now have fun with her friends. The girl on the right is who I choose to be for the rest of my life. I gained about 15-20 pounds in the last two months & I am finally weight restored! Am i happy with my body? mostly, but everybody has something they wish they could fix about themselves, but I would take dealing with that over slowly dying any day. I can honestly say that I like how I look in the picture in the right more than how I look in the picture to the left. Choosing recovery is something YOU have to do. Its not going to take a week or a month, it’s going to be a long process but in the end I promise you it’s going to be worth it. I didn’t choose recovery at first but after I knew what was happening to my body, I began to accept the fact I needed to gain weight & become healthy again. I’m not going to lie and say everything is fine when you’re recovering because it’s not. Yes, there have been days where I’ve cried over and over again because I thought my legs looked fat in my clothes. Yes, there would be days when I would cry because I didn’t want to eat. You have to tell yourself that if you keep not eating you’re not going to get to experience life. I know that some people think I’m still too skinny & should gain some weight, but I’m at a healthy weight & everybody’s going to have different opinions on how you look. Some people will think you look too skinny, some people will think you might need to lose some weight, & some people might think you look really good, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how you feel about your body & how you feel health wise. I know that people who are recovering from eating disorders think that they’re going to get fat once they start gaining all this weight, I know I did. Am i fat? Not at all. I used to be terrified of even gaining one pound & now I’ve gained about twenty. Gaining weight will not make you miserable, but having a fear of gaining weight will. Most of my weight went to my muscles and organs, especially my heart and brain, & that’s where it usually redistributes. I’m not posting this because I want attention, I wanted to post this because I’m proud of what I have been through & I wanted to share my story with people. I want people, boy or girl, who are dealing with an eating disorder to look at this & realize that choosing recovery is the right thing to do & it’s never too late. I will never go back to the girl on the left.